Jagged Crowd
The Day I Slipped
Within Your Arms,
I Sliced My Thumb,
Upon The Jagged Crowd
You Keep Around You.
Hearts Blood Washed
Over Us All In Shades,
Blue To Crimson,
Life Essence Flowed
And Ebbed In Rivulets.
I Slipped Past The Point
Of Being Held, Unto The
Vast Concrete Sidewalk,
A Catastrophic Tragedy
Unfolded.
The Day I Fell
Into You, Awaiting Me.
Don’t Save Me.
If It Hurts Beneath
The Shell We Share.
I Could Read You
Like I Had A Map
Of Your Soul Before Me,
If I Could Have Stood Within
The Fate Of Your World.
Bled My Heart Unto You,
From You, My Blood
Essence Leaking, In Tiny
Drops Of Lucid Lies
In Which You Comfort Me.
And I Was Awash In A
Flood Of Cutting Pain
When You Left Me Bleeding,
Slipping, Falling, In That
Jagged Crowd Around You.
Brandy Lynne Kaylor
Wed, July 26th 2006
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Comments
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I'm a Spatial Entrepreneur: I.E., I deal in the buying and selling of pieces of the heavens.
You are by far my favorite person on DevArt, and I know I'm not the only one who appreciates your talent and you reading us... I don't know what I did to catch your eye and keep it all this time, enough for you to stay even with all my absences’ and still have time to comment on my stuff, but I count myself lucky and I want you to know that you are appreciated greatly
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subliminal confetti
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Visit my gallery, please
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subliminal confetti
Hearts Blood Washed
It sounds like you need an ownership apostrophe here, either as Heart's or Hearts.'
The Day I Fell
Into You, Awaiting Me.
Don’t Save Me.
If It Hurts Beneath
The Shell We Share.
I have nothing against sentence fragments in poetry as a rule, but the last sentence here just sounds unfinished.
The only big problem I see here is the fifth stanza. It doesn't feel like it fits with the rest of the poem. To me, it doesn't add anything, and doesn't gel with the theme of the piece.
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