: thurs. 12:00ish pm :
I slowly fill out the papers.
I've come to a great epiphany while in this room,
while listening to those around me scream in agony and suffering.
I fill out the papers with what they want to hear/read.
If living with my father taught me one thing it was how to tell people what they needed/wanted to hear what would make them leave you alone what would make them
think you were ok.

: thurs. 1:00ish pm :
My lunch tray is brought in.
I tell the nurse I finished the papers, I ask if I can go back now.
She says after Jeri reads them.

: thurs. 3:00ish pm :
They come to let take me back to the ward.
I go quietly and calmly.
Talking to no one acknowledging no one, withdrawing into myself where the hurting can't reach.
They take me to my room which has been cleaned and stripped of all harmful things.
even my winter coat is gone now ..my shoelaces..my tapes...everything.
I strip myself down and shower staying a long time under the spray.
I dress and return to the ward rec room.


: thurs. 4:30ish pm :
they all greet me like i have come home from a whipping
asking me what happened,how it was,where was I.
I'm not talking I just pull a chair up to the glass doors and sit and stare.
thats all i want anymore just to be out there.
the girl who screamed about the bugs, the only way she's leaving here is when they strap her down and send her to state...I learned all about state in my stay in the solitary ward.
State funded Mental Health Care...shock therapy and a perminent bed with meds for life for most that go there no not all but most.
state is when they've given up on you ever being able to function in society.
I just want out of here I want it now, close it all inside, close it up tight and pretend ...everything is ok.

: sat. 3:00ish pm :
Jeri and I sit and talk she says.
" I see you're putting effort into how you look "
" thats shows me you are willing to try "
" we wont take you off 2 call in fact I think you are ready for level 1 "
I agree with her ..I am ready.
ready to not hear those screams ever again.


: mon. 2:00ish pm :
A phone call from my mom she's enrolled me into the alternative education classes in our town.
because I said I was quiting school when I turned 16 if she didn't.
because I'm scared of everything and failing school so badly ... I'll never graduate unless I go there.
I'm not dumb.
I'm social phobic, signed sealed and labeled for life.
They found my tag and now they want to send me home.
Medication and smaller classes, outpatient sessions.
I'm perfectly fine, I'm a-ok.

: thurs. 5:00ish am :
I'm up every morning throwing up.
I'm going home, three day pass to set up school and counceling.
I'm having panic attacks but not letting them show, I'm sleeping less and less.
I want to leave, I want to leave, I want to leave....

: mon. 10:00ish am :
My mom signs me out for my three day pass.
We drive home in silence.
When I enter my house I notice right away things are different.
Things are missing from my room.
My Suicidal Tendencies Tape..as if the name of the group made me try and kill myself.
Everything is changed.
I realize there is no going back no changing things, no making people forget what I have done to all of us.

: mon. 12:00ish pm :
I tell my mom I don't want to go to the new school today ..today I want to say my goodbyes to my old teachers and friends ..tell them I'm alive.
she agrees to let me do that.
So I walk out the door and cross the street heading to my school which is only 50 yards or so away from my house.
I enter the school and everything is hushed it wont be for long but for now it seems empty.
first stop ... vocal..Mrs. Brower-Mix my favorite teacher my favorite subject.
I step into the room and I talk to her a minute she says glad to see you are ok nad thats it thats all I tell her goodbye she says take care ... nothing more take care.
I'm not doing this .. I don't have it in me... so I sit on a bench for a few hours and then I head home... having talked to no one having been missed by no one.

: mon. 3:00ish pm :
I go home and my mother says that we have to go see my new shrink Mr. Steven Newman.
we drive over and just make the 3:30 apointment.
the secretary hands me a paper quiz to fill out ...the exact one I did at the first hospital I went to..tricky they are...they questions repeat in it just reworded, makes you think ..dang what did I answer two pages back.
ink blots again...what do you see... I see ... Ink Blots.
I sit down with the shrink for 10 minutes and he says... I look forward to our time together.
I'll see you next week.


: mon. 6:00ish pm :
we have to phone in my progress to Jeri, she yells at my mom for letting me go to my old school instead of the new school.
I hate her.
But she knows that my mom will let me run the show if she's allowed to, she knows there is guilt there and nothing will get done if I'm allowed to set the pace.
I hate her for knowing who I am.


: tue. 7:00ish am :
My mom wakes me up to get ready for school.
Today I meet them all ...everyone new ..teachers...principals...students...all the bad kids.
Today I start right where I belong..with the kids who can't fit in.
I'm taken to the office as I arrive and I'm given a talking to about how they are happy to have me, and how they are all here to help me get through whatever might arise.
I'm given my class schedule and then given a tour.
where I'm eyed up and down by the kids and tossed attitude by body language.
dirty looks and cold shoulders.
Whats worse is they know why I'm coming there, they've all been " briefed ".
Somehow this seems wrong to me but who am I to say whats right or wrong.
who am I to care, if they want an inch from me they are going to have to take it and it isn't coming easy.
I'm tired of giving, I stopped giving when I layed all night in that padded room listening to children scream in their sleep..I stopped giving when fists started pounding lessons into me, I stopped giving long ago, I stop giving over and over again each time I'm broken down.
But somehow I start recieving again..somehow I always start recieving again... and then my walls crumble and I can't hold it all inside anymore, but not this time, not this time.
Before I care what they think of me ...I'll kill all caring inside me, crush it beneath my feet.

: Tue. 3:15ish pm :
My mom picks me up from school.
When I get home my best friend is there, she hugs me and starts chattering off at me about ..everything.
I feel ..like a visiting alien.. don't mind me I wont be here long.
tomorrow I go back to my cage.
They let us out once in awhile yanno...just to tease us into submission.
somehow in two months I've forgotten how to interact with normal teenage people.
She asks my mom if I can come watch her play softball tonight..my mom says yes that sounds like a good idea.
Amy is happy ..my mom is happy... things will be ok ...everything will be ok now... because I'm coming home ...nothings changed ...nothings different ... everything will go back to normal and be ok now.
I go to the bathroom and start throwing up, an episode that lasts 25 minutes, 25 minutes of throwing up and dry heaving.
Ending in a migraine that lasts 7 hours.
I miss her softball game but everythings going to be better now that I'm coming home.

: wed. 4:00ish pm :
We are heading back to pine rest.
I have to be back by 6:00 pm.
I tell my mom I love her, something I haven't done enough in my life.
She smiles at me says she loves me too and I enter the ward again.
surrounded by hugs and questions from all my friends in here, I tell them its great at home everything is great.
I talk about how much they want me to come home, how much I was missed.
( I'm a liar )
When I slit my wrists everyone was shocked, no one knew I was even depressed.
When they came to terms with this abnormality they went to the next stage ....(blame)
who is to blame... fingers pointed in all directions.
I cause pain in people I love.
I should Grow up, accept that life sucks ...become hardened and shallow.
Become crass and sharp around the edges, learn to deal with it.

: fri. 6:00ish pm :
My goodbye party.
notes snuck to me behind nurses backs.
sharing address's is against the rules.
my lil sweetheart who is back in seclusion she went in when I was on my leave
wrote me a note on toilet paper.

Brandy-
I don't have eloquent paper heck I don't have any,
but these words still mean the same because they are on more than
any paper could hold they're on our hearts!
I love you more than anyone could love a sister - because to me thats what you are.
Please keep in touch, because out of everyone I'll miss you the most of all.
I want to see you this summer and every summer after that if possible - please say I can.
I know you say I've taught you some things- well you've taught me some too.
You've taught me that I am special and that I can open up and let people care - not because it'll hurt, but because it'll heal.
God has deffinately touched you in a wonderous way- never forget that.
I don't have to go to state - I made it !- I can go home- but I'm sure you knew I'd make it.
I love you with all my heart, I never thought I could say that but I can - because of you !

Your lil sweetheart forever, April

and another from my friend rebecca,

Brandy,

No matter where your road leads you, may you always know that you are loved by others,
and even more importantly, love yourself.
Remember, " feelings are first the syntax of things...will never wholly kiss you " - ee cummings.
Thank you for all you have shared with me. I will never forget you or your awesome voice.
Never quit your singing, girl- its magnificent.
If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, look me up, I'll love to.
Love, Peace, + Hope for inner understanding.
Keep the living ground and someday love will bring us back around.
I love you. - Rebecca

P.S. No More Looney Business !


I realize now that you can't not feel, those around you, love you, these girls whom I have spent the hardest time of my life with ..they take pieces of me home with them and I take pieces of them home with me, forever a part of each other.
this is where I start healing if I let myself, when I look and see that I'm worth loving, I'm worth remembering to someone too people who hurt and who know who I am inside, broken, damaged, used up ..... me.
and I can love them, and I do love them, and I'm ready to leave here, but I'll never leave them behind, I take them with me.
deep within me.
tomorrow I put up my shell, my walls ...and I hope like hell I don't hurt.
but today here and now I'm loved for who I am, full of flaws, cracks and missing pieces.
but still I'm loved.